Lost without you
by kousi
Summary: What if Chuck never got the chance to say I love you back? ' It's time!" She said with tears in her eyes. For what?" He asked innocently. For her funeral! " Chuck felt a pain deep inside his chest. It was his heart, who couldn't bear this word.'
1. Chapter 1

**Summary:** "„You have to get ready, it's time!" She said with tears in her eyes. „For what?" He asked innocently, although he knew. „_For her funeral!_ ", she answered with a broken voice and Chuck felt a pain deep inside his chest. It was his heart, who couldn't bear this word related to her." What if Chuck never got the chance to say I love you back?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Gossip Girl or any of it's characters.

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Silence in his room. The only thing he heard was the clock turning 9. It was time for him to get ready. He had no strength in his arms to get up from his bed. The only thing he thought about at that moment was: why did that happen? Why haven't he seen that coming? He thought he would have known her, but apparently he hadn't known her at all. A tear ran down his face. He didn't want to cry, he was Chuck Bass for God's sake. Chuck Bass the womanizer, Chuck Bass the emotionless guy, Chuck Bass the guy, who couldn't tell his one love that he loved her.

But he wanted to say it so badly; he remembered how she had said it the last time with tears in her eyes.

Her words were: _Chuck Bass, I love you; I love you so much it consumes me!_ He had no idea that it really consumed her. And what did he do? He pushed her away and walked away like a coward. He regretted the last words that he said to her _„Maybe it was, but it's not anymore". _How could he do that to her, to the one he loved? He didn't just lie to her, but also to himself. He remembered how desperate she had looked after that, it had hurt her too much.

Her trembling and the tears, which rolled down her cheeks, were too much for him to bear. It was the second time she had said it and the second time that he hadn't said it back. He could only imagine how awful it was for her. He regretted that night. He would do everything to turn back time until that night and say it back, those three little words she wanted him to say.

He would say it! He would scream it out loud for everybody to hear, that everybody could hear, that he was in love with the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. That Blair Waldorf was his and would be forever. But now, he had no chance to say it anymore and she had no chance to hear it. She was gone, _forever..._

Footsteps, who sounded like Blair's and who were getting louder and louder, interrupted his thoughts. He closed his eyes and wished it would be Blair, who was coming to him and telling him that everything's okay, that nothing had happened. He would take her in his arms and never let her go again.

Of course, he knew that it couldn't be her, but thought if he hoped it from the bottom of his heart, he could wake up from this nightmare he was in. The door opened and so did his eyes. The disappointment was visible in his face, when he saw Serena and next to her Nate. Both dressed black.

She looked horrible; her eyes were swollen and red. She must have cried the whole night. Of course, she had. Her best friend had just died. Nate was also not in his best condition. Chuck remembered the phone call from Serena, while he was in Europe. He remembered how she had cried and how he hadn't understood a word she was saying. He had thought that she was in trouble like she always was and needed his help, but when he heard the name Blair and hospital his heart had stopped beating for a moment.

_Two days earlier:_

_Chuck Bass was dealing with the fact that the only woman he loved, had done something that really hurt him. He never thought it would be possible that a woman could hurt him in any way, but this woman always managed to do so. Why did she do it? Only to hurt him like he hurt her in the past? Was it just a terrible mistake? He couldn't judge people's mistakes, because he was one of those who even repeated mistakes, like letting her go for the second time._

_ The best thing Chuck Bass can do is run away and that unfortunately was exactly what he did. He ran away to Europe to just escape from the UES for a while, to escape from her, her feelings and his own feelings. Two weeks he was travelling along Europe and now he was walking down the Champs-Élysée in Paris just to have time for him alone, but every where he went that tiny brunette caught up with him and he ended up buying her gifts, although he was pretty much pissed at her. _

_But it wasn't a surprise anymore, because the same happened in each country he spent time. It was just a confirmation that he really loved her, really wanted to be with her even if it scared him to death. He was sure that he was ready to tell her, to return the favor, to make her happy with his confession. He had to let the past stay in the past and just move on, because he knew that he wasn't a saint either. With four bags he went back to his limo and wanted to go back to the UES to tell his woman that he loved her, when his phone started to ring. He picked it up without checking, who it was._

"_Hello?" He said, while putting the bags into the limo._

"_Chuck?" A weak voice asked._

"_Serena, what's wrong?" He asked worried._

"_Chuck, I and …she …I don't know what to do…I've never thought she would do such a thing and…I'm scared…", she was crying and got cut off by Chuck._

"_Serena, calm down. I don't understand anything. Are you in trouble?" He asked and was trying to put the pieces of information together so it would make sense._

"_She's in the hospital and she isn't feeling well, I'm scared that we will lose her." Serena said, while she choked back a sob._

"_Who?" He asked confused, Blair never crossed his mind._

"_Blair!" She answered in a painful whisper. _

"_In which hospital are you?" Not leaving a second of silence after her respond._

"_St. Laurence." She said, and he could still hear her crying._

"_I will be there as fast as possible." With that he hung up and told his driver to bring him to the airport. He had to fly back to New York immediately._

_While flying back he just noticed how many presents he had bought for her. He had prepared himself to finally say those three words to her_. _Little did he know that her conditions were that bad and that he would never have the chance to say how much he really loved her and how much she meant to him. Everything! _

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**A/N: **So that's it for the first chapter. The next chapter will continue with the flashback and for the one who wondered where the part from the summary is, I will use it in another chapter :) Tell me if you like it by clicking on the green button ;)


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Hello, hello, I'm back with the second chapter of my story. So this will be the whole flashback. I hope that it's not dissapointing ...  
Oh and thanks for all the lovely reviews, they really encouraged me to write... =) And of course a big THANK YOU to Brittany, who beta'd this chapter. You did a great job! Thanks again =) =)

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_After seven intolerable hours, he finally reached the hospital. He couldn't think straight anymore. He just wanted to see her and convince himself that it wasn't as bad as Serena had sounded. She's just overreacting, he told himself._

_As he entered the hospital, a question never left his mind. What had happened to Blair? He walked in to see Serena sitting on a chair next to Eleanor._

_Their sad expressions worried him to the bones. The usual aura of happiness and glow that surrounded Serena was gone. The only thing left of her was a picture of misery. She was just sitting there with her head leaned against the wall behind her. Her eyes closed, while tears were running down her cheeks. Her mouth was slightly moving. She was praying to God, Chuck could tell, because it was the same thing he had done during the whole flight. When he looked at Eleanor once again, he saw her look of vacuity. She looked as if the world was standing still for her. It scared him._

_"Serena," he called to catch her attention._

_She immediately opened her eyes and her first glad look to see him, changed back into a sad look._

_"Chuck…," her bottom lip was trembling, and new tears were forming in her eyes._

_"Where is she," he asked without hesitation, making Eleanor finally notice him._

_„Chuck, I'm sorry, but nobody is allowed to see her," she said quietly. It wasn't the answer he wanted._

_„I don't care. Just tell me where she is, " he shouted, and didn't care that Eleanor was looking at him as if she had seen a ghost._

_Serena hesitated._

_"Spill it, Serena," he said with an impatient, angry tone. Her eyes wandered to a big door. Above it was written "No trespassing!" He followed her gaze and took a deep breath. Somewhere behind that door she was lying. He rushed towards the door. "But Chuck they won't let you in," Serena called after him._

_"We'll see about that!" He said, pushing the door open and he heard some nurses gasp in shock._

_He couldn't care less about them! He didn't care about anything anymore. He only cared about a certain brunette who was lying somewhere in this hospital, and he was going to find her. He was sure of that._

_Chuck looked around and saw all these people behind these windows. He was surrounded with ill people. He hated hospitals. To him it always seemed like the last destination, but in this case he hoped that he was wrong. After what seemed like forever, he found her, and saw her through the window. She was lying there, with her eyes closed, with machines all around her. She looked thinner than normal, exhausted, helpless, so not her. His hand reached out for the doorknob…_

_"Sir, what are you doing here? You're not allowed to be in this sector of the hospital without permission." A voice from behind asked him._

_Chuck turned around to see a doctor looking at him._

_"I don't need permission to do anything," he spat back._

_"In this case you do," the doctor answered in a strict tone._

_"Do you know who I am," Chuck asked angrily, clenching his jaw._

_"Do you know where you are," the doctor countered. "Nobody is allowed to enter her room," he added – his voice sounding final._

_"I am," Chuck insisted. He wanted to enter her room, no matter what. "I need to tell her something." He wasn't intimidated by the doctor. As if he hadn't heard his dictation, he reached again out for the doorknob._

_"But she won't hear you," the doctor explained, and was really patient with him. After this sentence Chuck turned back to face the doctor._

_"What do you mean," he asked, narrowing his eyes._

_"Listen, she isn't in the best shape, and every disturbance could worsen her condition. You need to go back out there, and wait like everyone else. She really needs the rest," the doctor told him._

_"But...," Chuck started, but the doctor interrupted him._

_"No buts, young man. If you want her to feel better, the best thing that you can do is go back. We will inform her parents if her condition changes. Until then, you have to be patient," he said with finality._

_Chuck swallowed hard. She wasn't in good shape. God, it was torture to see her like that, and not be able to talk to her. If his presence would cause her condition to become worse, he would have to wait to tell her. He finally nodded, and turned around to walk towards the exit._

_Chuck walked back to where Serena and Eleanor were sitting, and saw that only Serena was still there. He let himself slump on one of the chairs next to her._

_"No luck," she asked him, taking a deep breath._

_He just pursed his lips and shook his head. For a minute neither of them spoke._

_"Where are Eleanor and the rest," he asked her only to break the silence. Silence meant having time to think, and having to think only lead to thinking of the worst possible outcomes._

_"I don't know where Eleanor went. She feels miserable," Serena began slowly. "Harold will be here in two hours apparently, Nate is probably in the cafeteria – he said the waiting room is making him sick – and my mother went home to pick some stuff up for me because I am not going anywhere until she wakes up. I'm here for 11 hours now." Serena answered, her eyes locked on the floor._

_Chuck just nodded while she was speaking. He took a deep breath before asking the question he'd been wanting to ask since the minute he had entered the hospital. "Serena, what exactly happened to Blair?" Although he needed to know it, he was afraid of the answer he might get._

_With eyes brimmed with tears and her gaze still on the floor, Serena quietly answered, "she tried to kill herself, Chuck." She closed her eyes and her tears slowly ran down._

_"What do you mean by that?" He knew exactly what she meant, but he didn't want to believe it. The Blair Waldorf he knew would never do that._

_Serena finally looked up to Chuck; sadness all over her face. "She took sleeping pills," she answered, and wiped her tears away. "She always told me that she felt so exhausted, and tired, and that she couldn't sleep, but I didn't think that it was a big deal. She wasn't feeling well after you left, but I didn't know that it was that bad. Every time I asked her if she's okay, she answered with ‚yes,' with a big smile on her face. I should have known that she was lying – that it was one of her fake smiles. Blair always acts like that when she doesn't want to show weakness." Serena shook her head and laughed bitterly, when she remembered that her best friend hated it when something went wrong in her life, and pretended that everything is perfect._

_"After it happened, Darota called me, and told me that Blair wasn't feeling well, and she thought that she had a relapse, so I went over there. She told me that she was afraid to check on her – you know how bitchy Blair can be sometimes," Serena said, managing to smile slightly. "I knocked on the bathroom door, but she didn't answer. That's when I realized that the door wasn't locked. Although that isn't typical for Blair, I was glad that I could enter." She stopped, and looked away again. Struggling to tell him the rest of it. "I saw her lying there and sleeping pills were all over the floor. I wanted to help but I couldn't! I just couldn't, it was too late! All I could do is call 911," Serena exclaimed, and Chuck could see that she felt guilty for what happened._

_„It's not your fault…," he tried to comfort her._

_"Maybe it is…how do you even know? I mean, you weren't here. You didn't see anything – how she felt, and how she acted - I'm not even sure if you know her at all!"_

_"Of course I know her, and yes, I know that I wasn't here for her, and I feel terrible for that, but I'm here now," Chuck tried to defend himself. He couldn't believe that she claimed that he doesn't know Blair. No one talked for a while._

_"You know…," Serena started sadly, "after the party that gossip girl blew off, she said that you guys were over, for good. Why didn't you fight for her Chuck? I thought you loved her," she asked in a low voice._

_Chuck couldn't say anything. He just swallowed hard. He didn't know why he couldn't tell Blair that he loved her. He was afraid. Yes, Chuck Bass was afraid. Afraid, that if he told her his feelings, that he wouldn't be the same Chuck Bass anymore._

_Serena didn't wait for him to answer, because she knew that he wouldn't."The doctor asked me if she had problems this year. I think we all know the response to that question," she said, laughing sarcastically. "And have you noticed that she lost weight over this year? I didn't, and I also didn't know that she was feeling so horrible, or that she said I love you to you twice! Chuck! Twice, and you didn't say it back! What the hell, Chuck," Serena bit out angrily._

_Chuck felt horrible after that statement. "I was angry, okay? She did something that I didn't expect from her, so I couldn't say it back," he answered as angrily as Serena had._

_"You're no saint either!" She reminded him. "I didn't know it; she didn't tell me that she said it again. Jenny told me," Serena said sadly. "She must have felt so humiliated, that she hasn't told me at all."_

_"Are you trying to tell me that all of this is my fault," Chuck screamed at her, outraged._

_"I'm not," she answered quickly. It wasn't the time to argue about whose fault it was. "I'm her best friend, you know? I should know when she feels bad. I should know how to help her! I failed! I suck as a best friend!" She started to cry aloud. She buried her face into her hands, as if she were trying to hide it from everybody, as if she felt ashamed for what happened to her best friend._

_It was then when Chuck realized that she was only trying to get rid of her own guilt by shoving it towards him, but this feeling that it could, indeed, be his fault, didn't leave him. Chuck wasn't good at those types of situations. He didn't know what to say to her, so he just sat there, anger gone, silent, and laid an arm over her shoulder. "Sooner or later, she will wake up, and everything will be okay," Chuck told Serena – trying to play the optimist._

_Serena just laughed bitterly. "I wished that were the only possible outcome," she said, but then continued in a low voice, "What if she di..?"_

_"No! That won't happen," Chuck shouted, immediately cutting her off. He didn't want to think about that possibility._

_"I don't want it to happen either, but…"_

_"I said no." Chuck stood up from his chair, and faced her directly. "I won't let that happen. She wouldn't do that to us," he told her._

_"Chuck…," Serena began again._

_"STOP IT SERENA," he yelled at her. "Nothing will happen - you'll see. Everything is going to be okay." He didn't know who he was trying to convince more – himself or Serena._

_"But I heard the doctor speaking with Eleanor, and he told her that the probability of her waking up is small," Serena sniffled, turning to look at Chuck._

_"W-What," he asked hesitantly. The sentence Serena had spoken when they were on the phone suddenly crossed his mind._

_"I'm afraid that we will lose her." So she meant what she had said._

_"Excuse me," he said before walking away from her, and towards that big door. Suddenly he had this abandonment fear._

_"Chuck where are you going? You know you can't enter that room," Serena called after him._

_He knew that entering the room meant consequences, but he needed to see her. He reached her room, and saw her through that window again. He made a move to enter it, but then, without expecting it, she opened her eyes and met his gaze. It hit him by surprise. He knew that she would wake up! The doctors in this hospital were all idiots to think that she wouldn't. A weak smile appeared her lips, and he tried his best to smile back. It was a wonder, how he could even smile, while he looked at her in that state. A feeling of relief filled him, and he turned around to see if a doctor was near, when he heard a highly beep coming out of her room. Chuck turned back around to face her, and saw that the eyes, which were looking into his only one second ago, where closed again. What had just happened? She had been awake, he saw it._

_Suddenly everything got so hectic, a bunch of people dressed in white rushed into her room, almost knocking him down. He saw one of them letting a roll top down the window quickly, so he couldn't see what was happening. A nurse was speaking to him, while shoving him back towards the exit. He saw the nurse's mouth moving, but didn't hear a thing. He walked back to Serena, pale and with a shocked expression._

_When Serena saw him, she looked as shocked as him. "What Chuck? What happened," she asked him. He didnt answer, still confused. "Chuck! Tell me what's wrong," she asked him again, shaking him._

_"I-I don't know," he answered, shaking his head, trying to shake off that high beep in his ears._

_After some minutes Eleanor and Nate came back. Chuck didn't want to tell anybody what had happened. He forced himself to think positively, to have hope, but the only scenario that crossed his mind was a doctor, who did everything to bring her back to life, but it didn't help. Then they would step back from her, and look to the clock._

_Unfortunately, exactly that happened. The doctor came out to bring them the bad tidings. She died. Chuck couldn't move. He couldn't hear the crying from Eleanor, who almost fell on the ground. He couldn't hear Serena crying as loud as Eleanor, and collapsing in Nates arms. He couldn't see, or hear anything – only his heart pumping like crazy, and the tiny brunette with her eyes closed._

_Then the doctor gave them permission to see her if they wanted. Now, that she was gone. Now, that she was no longer among them. For what? Only to have her lifeless body haunting his mind? Everybody went to her, except him. He felt lost, sank down against a wall, and sat there for a while. But then he braced himself and walked to her room. He wanted to see that it wasn't true; that she wasn't gone, because his Blair had promised him something._

_"I will stand by you through anything." That's what she'd said._

_When he reached her room, he stopped at the doorway, and scrutinized her. He realized that she had lied. It was just a hollow promise that she had given him. The only thing he felt right then was anger. He was angry at her for leaving like this. He had the feeling that she wanted him to show that he wouldn't have time his whole life to admit his feeling towards her. When he entered the room, he walked to her bed, and sat next to her. He took hold of her cold hand with both of his. Absently he tried to find a pulse to see that she was just sleeping. There was nothing. His hands made circles around her tiny hand, and rubbed it slightly to warm it up. He watched her intensely. She looked so innocent. Her hairs were all over the pillow; her skin was pale only the rings under her eyes stood out. Her lips, which used to be ruby, had lost their colour…_

_"I love you!" He finally told her loudly. He thought the louder he spoke it, the bigger the chance that she might hear it. "Do you hear me Blair? I love you! I fucking love you! Now, just wake up," he yelled at her, hoping that after him telling her how he felt, she would wake up and say something like: ‚I knew it,' or even, ‚I hate you for letting me wait so long.' Just to tell him that this was all just a bad joke to scare him. But there was no reaction. "I want you to wake up immediately," he commanded with the same loudness, and struggled with tears which were burning in his eyes. "Come on, Blair," he said with a decreased voice. "Please," but again no response._

_"Oh God." Was the only thing he could say as all of his hopes shattered. For once, Chuck Bass allowed himself to cry. He buried his face into his hands with her hand still in between. The tears stormed down his cheeks, and he swore to himself that it would be the first, and the last time that he would cry like that. But at that moment, it was okay to let all of it out. It was okay._

_She left a hole inside his chest, by ripping his heart out and taking it with her. It made sense to him, because his heart belonged to her. She was the one who discovered it, so it was only fair to let her have it, because without her he didn't need it anymore. It was useless…worthless._

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**A/N: So that's it for this chapter and the flashback. I hope you guys liked it. I would love to hear your opinions about it, so don't hesitate to review =) =) =) **


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **Heey...first of all...thanks for all the reviews =) reviews are LOVE...hehe =)!! And here's the next chapter. =) I know it's short, but it took me really long, until I finally had it the way I wanted it...hehe. I re-wrote and re-read it like a hundred times til I thought it was okay. Well, I hope you enjoy reading it.

And again, a special thanks to Brittany for beta-ing it. =) Thank you so so so much =)

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Gossip Girl or any of its characters....

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"Chuck, don't act like you don't hear me!" Serena's voice brought him back to the present – away from the painful memories.

„What do you want," he asked.

„You have to get ready. It's time," she said with tears in her eyes.

„For what," he asked innocently, although he knew.

„_For her funeral,_ ", she cried with a broken voice, and Chuck felt a pain deep inside his chest. It was his heart that couldn't bear this word related to her, and that reminded Chuck that it was still there – that it wasn't him who had died instead. But why did he feel that way?

„I have no reason to go!" Chuck was surprised at the words that had just slipped out of his mouth, and so were Serena and Nate.

The news of her death had quickly reached everyone, and the news about a certain Basshole who had rejected her twice were on Gossip Girl. Now everybody would have the chance to draw their own conclusions about her death, and most of them would come to the conclusion that it was Chuck's fault. Even if nobody said so, he knew that they thought it.

Nate looked at Chuck with a serious expression. „Blair wouldn't be happy to see you like this," he said.

„Who cares what she thinks," Chuck screamed aloud. "She isn't here anymore, is she?" He was met by silence. "She's gone," Chuck said, and this time he managed not to scream. He spoke as lowly as possible. "And nobody can change that – not even me." He took the bottle of scotch, which was on his bedside table, and took a big gulp.

"Chuck," Serena yelled at him. "Move your stupid ass off of your bed!" She really wasn't in the mood to comfort him. She felt even more horrible than he did, or at least that was what she thought. "She wasn't only _your_friend, okay? She was my best friend, Chuck! Do you think I don't miss her – that I wouldn't do anything to bring her back? Everybody here misses her. She wasn't just around you and your life! I don't know how you can be so selfish in this moment, and only think about yourself!" She was screaming at him while tears ran down her face. Nate tried to calm her down. "Now change your clothes! You're still wearing your suit from yesterday," she added with anger and bitterness in her voice.

_Friend_. It echoed through is head.

Friend?

Was she just a friend? Was that what they were? Friends? No, they weren't! They weren't just friends. They were far more than that. They were soul mates; they were meant to be together; they belonged together. He didn't know why he needed so much time to figure that out. He should have said those three little words when he had had the chance to say them. He had never thought about the fact that one day he wouldn't be able to tell her.

He made no move to stand up from the bed. "Chuck, really – now," Serena said with annoyance. He looked at her first, and then stood up from his bed – the bottle of scotch still in his hand – and finally looked at both of them.

"I killed her, okay? That's what everyone wants to hear, right, sis? That's what everybody thinks, including you!" He was screaming again, and pointing at Serena. "I, Chuck Bass killed Blair Waldorf," he said, compressing his lips and clenching his fists, holding the bottle of scotch even tighter with one of his hands. "I killed her, like I killed my mother by coming into this shitty world, and like I killed my father by calling him, and telling him to come back to the Snowflake ball to fight for Lily!" He laughed with no humor. "I killed her," he repeated in an almost inaudible whisper while a sad, sarcastic smile appeared on his lips. "I swear, sometimes I think that my love's poison," he said still with that sad expression on his face. "It kills everyone I love before they even know how much I care about them." He shook his head. "I should have said it," he spoke more to himself than to Serena and Nate.

Both were stunned by his statement, and before any of them could answer, he walked into the bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind him.

Chuck looked into the mirror in front of him. He looked awful – a mess – but he didn't need to look good. That wasn't important. He was going to a funeral – why look good? He let the water run and washed his face, thinking it could possibly help to clear his mind. Time is a great healer. Wasn't that an idiom? He just hoped that time wouldn't wait too long to come, because he was sure that this pain, and guilt, and every other emotion he felt would eat him up alive. He knew from past losses that he had experienced, the pain won't completely go away, but become more bearable with each passing day. This time, however, he wasn't sure if it would be like that – if the pain really would become less heart-wrenching.

The moment in the hospital, when she had opened her eyes was back in his mind. What if it was just an illusion? What if his mind had tricked him into believing that she was awake because that was what he had wanted and had wished for? No. He shook this thought away. He wasn't crazy – he had seen it. But why did she smile, and then in the next moment leave like that? Only to give him false hope? Yes, she would certainly do that. Only to punish him for everything he had put her through. She just smiled, because she was glad that he finally could see what he had done to her, in which condition he had brought her. Glad to see him suffering, before dying. Gloating.

His anger and confusion overcame him, and without realizing it he punched the mirror in front of him, making the glass shatter down around him. He heard Serena shouting worriedly that he should come out because she had heard the noise. He didn't say anything back. After he let all his aggressions out, he felt a little better, although his hand was covered with scratches. Then his eyes locked on something behind all of the shards. It was a little box with the words "sleeping pills" on it.

He cocked his head to the side, and studied it – his eyes narrowed, and filled with darkness. _'Fucking sleeping pills'_, he thought, all the anger coming back. He took the little box out of there, and put it in his pocket. Then he unlocked the door. Serena and Nate were still standing there, and they looked relieved that he had came out. "I'm ready to go," Chuck said sadly before passing them to leave the room, not bothering to change his clothes - his suit was black anyway – and he didn't wait for them to join him.

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**A/N: **Thanks for reading it... =) If someone's confused why I described the smile like that, I have an explanation. It doesn't mean that it was really like that, it's just that I think Chuck would see it like that....after everything that happened between them I thought that he wouldn't believe that she was glad to see him, because that showed her that she meant something to him. In my opinion, when you're filled with all this negative emotions you can't see the positive things even if they're obvious. So okay I hope it's clearer now. =) and if you're reading this story, please, please review !!! =)


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **I'm so so so sorry for the long wait...Hope there are still people, who read the story.

Reviews are always welcome.

And thanks to Abby for beta-ing this chapter. =)

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The limo ride to the church was quiet. Nobody dared to speak and Chuck was busy emptying his bottle of scotch.

After they stepped out of the limo, Nate helped Chuck to stand on his feet, because he was pretty drunk. His hand still hurt a bit from the action in the bathroom, but he ignored it.

They walked towards the church and it seemed so familiar. It reminded him so much of his fathers' funeral, the only difference being that this time nobody was on his left side; just Nate on his right, who was totally sad himself, trying to help him. The bottle of scotch was still in Chuck's hand.

"Give me the bottle!" Nate ordered, trying to grab the bottle out of his best friend's hand.

"No!" Chuck protested angrily, making Serena, who was walking in front of them with Lily and Eric, turn around.

"Chuck, it wasn't your fault." She told him in the same way that he had told her in the hospital. Sincere.

"Yes, as if you mean what you say." He scoffed, leaning closer to her and still trying to hold his balance. He was glad Nate was there to hold him.

"I mean what I say." Serena defended herself.

"You're just saying that to shed the remorse that you have towards me, so please spare me this bullshit and leave me alone." He told her, because she was the one who had caused all of this guilt in him by telling him everything in the hospital. Who wouldn't have felt guilty after that?

"I just thought you should know that it was never my intention to let you believe that." She sighed heavily, ignoring his comment, and turned around to catch Lily and Eric. Chuck just rolled his eyes, because it didn't change anything for him. His thoughts were still the same. It was his fault.

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Serena and Eric were already walking into the church when Nate and Chuck reached the stairs. Lily was waiting for them on top of the stairs with a worried expression, next to Eleanor. When they walked up the stairs, they got stopped by Eleanor.

"No, no, no!" She said furiously, while looking at Chuck, who didn't understand for a moment what was going on.

"You!" She pointed at him. "You are not going inside of this church! Not after what you did to my daughter!" She said anger all over her face. Now it became clear to him, she had heard about the Gossip Girl blast, Chuck thought.

"Eleanor, don't be ridiculous." Chuck heard Lily saying. "He was a friend to her." She added.

"The only thing he was to her was a burden!" Eleanor said, while tears were forming in her eyes. Chuck furrowed his eyebrows.

"I warned her and told her that you are not the right for her, that she wasn't made for someone like you. But she told me that I didn't understand!" She laughed sadly. "She was convinced that you two belonged together and for a moment I thought that maybe she was right and I really didn't understand, because she seemed so sure. So when she told me some days later that she wants to confess her love to you I didn't stop her." She shook her head, when she remembered their conversation.

"But of course it was exactly the way I thought; the only thing you could give her was heartache." She looked him straight in the eyes, with the most menacing look that Chuck had ever seen.

"Before you were in the picture everything was perfect with her and now just look what happened," Eleanor claimed naively.

"Eleanor, I don't think that's necessary; he didn't…" Lily tried to mediate between them, but Chuck cut her off.

"No Lily! It's okay." Chuck said calmly and faced Eleanor.

"Which perfect life are you referring to?" He asked her with a faked innocent look. There was no perfect life that he remembered. "The one where she couldn't be herself and where she did everything – including destroying herself – only so that you would notice her?" He pushed further, knowing full well that he had hit a sore spot with that.

"Oh, and just for the record, she_ loved_ me and she _hated_ you!" He said with a smug smile on his face.

"Charles!" Lily cut in terrified.

"What?" Chuck asked with a fake smile on his face. "If she thinks she's allowed to judge other people, then she has to look at herself first." Chuck said, while looking into Eleanor's eyes. The alcohol was slowly taking some effect within him and the speechlessness from Eleanor just encouraged him to continue making her feel as miserable as he did. Then he wouldn't be the only one who would feel guilty. He wouldn't be so alone.

"You made her feel unneeded, unwanted. You're the reason she felt so insecure and it's your fault she was so vulnerable. Why do you think that she had problems accepting herself as she was? You chose everyone over her and you can only guess how horrible she must have felt having a mother like you!" He screamed at her nastily. He would have never said those words if he hadn't have been drunk, but surprisingly it felt good and it wasn't like he cared anymore.

"How dare you…" Eleanor started slowly with a shaky voice, when she found her tongue.

"What? Tell the truth? I made her feel special, because she was special to me; she was the only person that I knew would be there for me whenever I needed her. She was the only girl that I fell in love and that I ever will fall in love with. I knew her as well as everybody else here, if not even better." Chuck shouted at her. How easy it was to say it. To admit to everybody that he loved her; but why the hell had it been so hard for him to tell _her_ that?

Eleanor just blinked a few times, dazed by his statements; the minute she opened her mouth to counter with something, Harold appeared on her side.

"Eleanor, I don't think now is the time to argue." He said to her and then turned to Chuck.

"Young man, I ask you to leave this place." Harold said, just wanting his daughter's funeral to pass smoothly without any fights and scandals, because he knew she wouldn't have wanted that. But his statement left Chuck horrified.

"What?" Chuck asked him puzzled. They weren't serious, were they? He didn't want to believe that they really wanted him to leave.

"You heard right." Harold said with a harsh tone.

"If you would have known your daughter, you would also know that she would want me here!" He screamed at them and if Nate wouldn't have held him back, he was sure that he would have jumped on them.

Harold leaned forward to him. "And if _you_ would have known my daughter, you would know what a perfectionist she was and that she would hate to see such a scene." Harold countered.

Chuck laughed sarcastically, realizing that he had no chance of staying there. So he walked down the stairs, shaking his head in disbelief. When he reached the pavement he turned to them.

"Okay!" He shouted at them, while walking backwards into the street without realizing it. He was angry. Angry at life for always choosing him to torture. That it was always him who suffered. What was the meaning of life anymore if you lost the one person who meant everything to you? He knew only one solution to escape from all of this.

"If your daughter thinks she can sleep forever, then so can I!" He yelled at them and pulled the sleeping pills out of his pocket and raised his hands so they could see the box.

"Charles!" Lily said, full of shock, after seeing a familiar little box in his hand, which he'd already opened. She walked down the stairs as well. Eleanor and Harold looked as shocked as Lily. "CHARLES! WATCH OUT!" Lily screamed.

Chuck, who was standing in the middle of the street, with his full attention on that little box, heard a loud honk from the side. He turned around to see what was happening and was met by a painful hit. All of a sudden everything went black.

* * *

**A/N: **So what do you guys think? I have to say that I don't know when I will update the next chapter, but the chapter will be definitely something that nobody's expecting...lol! Nevertheless I hope that you'll like how the story will turn out.

Reviews put a smile on my face =)


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** Thank you all for the lovely reviews :) I finally finished this chapter and I'm really sorry that you had to wait so long for this update, but I hope that you all enjoy this chapter :)

Special thanks to my beta Abby! She's the best! :)

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Gossip Girl or any of its characters.

He woke up surrounded by white and with an overwhelming feeling of warmth. He blinked a few times, trying to adjust his eyes to the bright light around him.

"Where am I?" He asked himself and rubbed his eyes. The only thing he remembered was that he had felt pain, but said pain wasn't present anymore. He shook his head and looked around, when he saw a figure dressed in white walking towards him. Without a second's thought he recognized her. How could he not? She was haunting him. Her dark curly hairs cascaded down her delicate shoulders, her ruby lips were slightly parted and her innocent brown eyes stared directly into his. It wasn't possible; certainly, it was a dream.

"Blair?" He asked carefully, making sure that he was right and that this girl who was walking towards him, was without a doubt _his_ girl. Her perfect pouty lips formed a small smile.

"Blair!" He shouted out of surprise, joy mixed with other emotions that he felt just at the sight of her. He was still certain that this was a dream. He could see her again, smiling, looking at him; and he even dared to think as if he were alive. His head was spinning and the only thing he knew to do was to take her in his arms, to feel her again, her body against his. His arms were around her in merely a second and his hand was caressing the back of her head. He kissed her cheek gently, much to her surprise. He sighed in relief, when he felt that she was real under his arms, that he really could feel her, so he tightened the embrace.

"Chuck, you're killing me!" She said, while laughing. He broke off the embrace and looked at her skeptically with a hint of a hopeful smile on his lips after hearing her sentence. His hands were still going up and down her arms, not wanting to lose physical contact.

"Well, if I weren't already dead!" She added, surprisingly still beaming. His smile faded away, his hands halted their ministrations, and his back stiffened. She was dead; of course. But it was all just so confusing. It looked like a dream, but somehow it felt real.

"Too soon for dead jokes I guess." She said after seeing his reaction. He shrugged the painful feeling off, not wanting her to see that his heart was falling into pieces for the millionth time. But she could see it anyway. He became distanced again, like he always became when his feelings were involved.

"Yeah, jokes are not funny, especially not when you take the measure to kill into your own hands." He huffed with an increasing voice, sounding slightly angry. She just raised her eyebrows.

"What are you talking about?" She asked puzzled.

"You killed yourself, Waldorf! That's what I'm talking about!" Chuck snapped at her, but regretted it the minute her eyes and the whole surrounding darkened. No response came from her side; she just glared at him. Chuck ran a hand through his face, trying not to act out of control. He was still trying to understand why he was standing there with his dead lover. Not that he was complaining or anything. The only logical thing that crossed his mind was that he was dead too and it didn't scare him a bit, he thought it was okay, when with her.

"Just tell me why." He said barely audible with a soft tone, but without breaking her gaze.

"I didn't do it on purpose." She started slowly, sighing heavily and looking away. "It was an accident. I was just so exhausted and the only thing I wanted to do was sleep. The days were just too long and I was feeling, well, you certainly know how I was feeling." She looked back into his eyes and now it was his turn to look away, guiltily. "So I took some sleeping pills just to sleep a bit longer than three hours a day." She continued to tell him. "I tried to get rid of them when realization hit me that I maybe took too many, but they already showed their effect and I drifted off. It was my time to go."

"I'm sorry; it's my fault all of this happened." He said, feeling all those familiar burdens on his shoulders again. "I have never thought it would come this far and I've never wanted to push you away like this." He admitted.

"Chuck, it wasn't your fault at all. Yes, you hurt me many times, I can't deny that, but this time it was my own fault." She told him. "There was just too much going on that I couldn't handle and which didn't let me sleep. For example Yale." It was one of her biggest dream to attend that college since forever and of course Chuck knew that it had been hard for her. "And like I said I didn't try to kill myself I just wanted to have a normal night's sleep." She finished.

"But…" Chuck started.

"I said it wasn't your fault. Deal with the fact that not everything revolves around you." She said half joking, a smile blossoming on her lips. But he still felt incredible bad for what had happened to her and still thought she just didn't want to admit that it was him who caused all of that.

"You should hate me or at least be mad at me. I really am sorry for what I did." He told her, his remorse transparent.

"I definitely would be mad at you for what you did, if I was alive, but I don't see the point in hating you or being mad at you now, Chuck. I'm dead." She told him and every time she said it out loud he felt a sting in his stomach as if something inside of him was tearing him apart.

"Blair, I am so sorry." He told her again, it was everything he could tell her over and over again.

"I know." She assured him. "And just so we are clear, you were the one who tried to kill yourself." She said trying to speak of something else than her death. With her horror hided, that his action had caused, she awaited an explanation from him.

"I-I –," Chuck stuttered, not sure how to finish the sentence. "I wasn't going to kill myself; I just wanted to scare them a bit." He finished lamely, knowing that it was a lie and she knew it too.

She rolled her eyes, impenetrable by his failed attempts to lie to her. She could see through him and read him like an open book, even when he was sometimes hard to figure out.

"But it isn't really your time to go. That's the reason you were hit by a car and the reason you're here, because if you had taken the pills there would have been no going back. But now you have the chance to go back if you say you want to. It's still your decision to make." She explained to him.

"So I'm not dead?" He asked a bit astounded.

"Dead? No!" Blair shook her head. "You're like in between life and death and it is my duty to convince you to go back." Her eyes were shining and she looked so happy and carefree. He could look at her day and night and never get tired of it. If he went back, he wouldn't be able to do that any longer.

"But what if I don't want to?" He asked slowly. Now she wasn't looking that happy anymore.

"You have to!" She yelled at him. "I mean, they need you, Chuck. They wouldn't be able to bear it if you were gone too." She lowered her voice and spoke to him calmly, placing a hand on his chest.

"They're still dealing with my death; it would be too much for them." She tried to reason.

"I just can't go back, Blair!" He told her frustrated.

"If I would have had this chance I wouldn't have needed that long to think about it, so why the hell can't you?" Her voice was rising again.

"You're not there." He answered in a whisper, not wanting her to hear it completely, but she could hear it perfectly. He hated it when someone saw his vulnerability, because for him, if you showed weakness it never meant something good and it could be only used against you. He was sure she would laugh in his face.

And she did laugh, but not for the same reason that Chuck thought – just out of disbelief.

"Chuck, please, we both know that you don't need me there. You've managed to live pretty well without me in the past and you've got enough entertainment to sustain you." She answered taken aback by his words.

_But you were always there, helping me, encouraging me, __doing everything__ to make me feel better._ He thought and realized for the thousands time what a moron he was for letting her go. He unfortunately had no courage to say it out loud.

"So why can't you?" She asked him again, waiting for a more plausible answer, because she didn't really buy the first one, no matter how honest it sounded.

"Because…" He breathed heavily. Say it. Say it. Say it. He looked back in her eyes. "Because I love you, okay? It's that simple. I love you, there I said it!" He finally said and felt thousands of pounds lighter.

"I love you, Blair." It rolled out of his tongue as if those first foreign words were made for him to say. _To her._

"That's the reason." He added feeling totally exposed the first time in his life.

A smile broke out on her face. "Chuck Bass confessing his love." She said, trying to take the words in. "Too bad I will never _really_ experience this." She told him, her smile diminishing.

"But you just heard it." Chuck answered.

"I'm sorry to tell you this, Chuck, but it's kind of too late for that, don't you think? I'm still dead and it would be really wise of you to pick life over death. So it doesn't change anything." She told him.

"So just that I understand, you don't want to be with me?" He asked her, a bit hurt by her rejection.

"Who says that we even can? Here?" She answered with a counter question.

"You're speaking in riddles, Waldorf." Chuck answered, not following. Then he thought of one possibility how they couldn't be together. "Ah, you think that I'll go to hell and you to heaven?" He asked her.

She just groaned frustrated in response and started to push him away with as much strength as possible. "Blair what are you doing?" He asked and looked behind him to see a huge blue spiral just some steps away from him. He would fall in it if she didn't stop.

"Stop it. You're not really going to push me into hell, are you?" He asked, slightly frightened, trying to stop her from pushing him further backwards. But her hands were quicker. "No idiot, I am pushing you back to life!" She said without stopping. He was walking backwards, because of her. "I thought you have to convince me?" He asked, still walking backwards. "Believe me I'm just doing you a favour and making your decision easier. You'll thank me one day." She explained. He was only some steps away from the hole; just a few pushes more and he would be gone and she would disappear. He was still trying to catch her hands so she would stop shoving him, when he finally grabbed both. He pulled her as close as humanly possible to him.

"So you _really_ want to experience my love confession?" He asked her holding her firmly against him, while she was struggling with his grip, still trying to push him, and confused at what he was trying to do next.

"If I'm going back, then you sure as hell will come with me." With that he made the last steps on his own. She gasped in shock. "Chuck! Let go of me! You're not allowed to do that! Chuck! Stop it!" The brunette protested, kicking and yelling, but there was nothing she could do.

"Chuck! AAAAAAAAHHH!" They were both falling into this huge spiraling hole and Chuck still had her in his arms, not even letting go of her for a second.

**A/N: **What do you guys think? Let me know :) And if you haven't already check out my other stories as well, maybe you like them...reviews would make my day...hehe :)


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N:** I am so sorry that I let you all wait so long...I just had an immense writersblock and I couldn't write anything for a long time. I really am sorry.

Thanks so much for the reviews I've got. I truly appreciate them and they make me so happy, because it's just great to see that there are people who enjoy my work. I hope that there are still people, who'll read this story. The next chapter will probably be the last and I really hope that you guys will like how it will turn out.

Thanks as well to my lovely friend stephi, who read this chapter and encouraged me to publish it, because I wasn't quite sure if it was good. Thank you!

This isn't beta'd so I apologize for mistakes in advance.

I hope everyone likes it :)

C&BC&BC&BC&BC&BC&BC&BC&BC&BC&BC&BC&BC&BC&BC&

previously:

_"So you really want to experience my love confession?" He asked her holding her firmly against him, while she was struggling with his grip, still trying to push him, and confused at what he was trying to do next._

_"If I'm going back, then you sure as hell will come with me." With that he made the last steps on his own. She gasped in shock. "Chuck! Let go of me! You're not allowed to do that! Chuck! Stop it!" The brunette protested, kicking and yelling, but there was nothing she could do._

_"Chuck! AAAAAAAAHHH!" They were both falling into this huge spiraling hole and Chuck still had her in his arms, not even letting go of her for a second._

_C&BC&BC&BC&BC&B&CB&CB_

He sucked in a breath and began to inhale sharply, every single breath coming out uneven and slowly.

"Blair!" He said weakly and opened his eyes. Everything in front of his eyes was blurry and it took him a second to realize where he was.

He felt hands on his left arm. Someone was there.

"Chuck?" He heard a familiar female voice saying in surprise.

"Blair!" He said again, closing his eyes shut.

"He's awake!" He heard the female voice shouting out loud. "Everything is alright." The voice addressed back to him and tried to soothe him.

He opened his eyes again and caught a fuzzily glimpse of the females long blonde hair swirling around.

"You scared us so much, Chuck!" She said with a hoarsely voice.

"Blair!" It was the only thing he could say and think of. He sat up on the bed, suddenly wide awake. The blonde next to him sighed sadly.

"She's still gone, Chuck." She caressed his arm and had tears in her eyes. He gulped soundly, seeing clear again. He was in the hospital and both of his legs were hurting like hell. He looked down at himself and dizzily made out that he was still wearing his shirt. It was ripped open though and an IV was hooked on his arm. He shook his head, trying to get rid of the drowsiness, while one thing never left his mind.

Blair.

"The funeral!" Chuck let out abruptly and turned to look at Serena. "Did I miss it?" He asked looking his step-sister in the eyes, afraid that the answer might be yes.

She shook her head. "No. They're waiting for us." She told him, but he had the feeling that the "us" wasn't including him.

"We still have time, until they bury her." She added and her eyes once again filled with tears.

By her words his whole body stiffened. He didn't know why, but he had a weird feeling in his stomach, a feeling that told him something was off and not really okay. While he was unconscious something had happened, he was sure of it, but he had no idea what it was, he just knew that nothing else was in his mind than Blair.

"We just made sure you're okay and I don't think it is a good idea for you to come –" She trailed off, when she saw him fidgeting around.

He, without a warning, stood up from the bed, grimacing in pain, which his movements were causing. He ignored it. Like hell, he wasn't coming. He once again looked down at his arm and yanked the IV forcefully away. He headed towards the door, while buttoning his shirt back up.

"Chuck! What are you doing?" Serena yelled and stood up alerted, when she saw the IV falling to the ground.

"I have to be there." He said determined, moving towards the exit, only to be met by Lily, Nate and Eric, who were just walking in. He tried to pass them, but a serious looking Lily grabbed him on the shoulders.

"Charles, where are you going? You have to stay here, you just had an accident." Lily said bewildered, trying to stop him from leaving the room, but he withdrew himself from her grip. And if it wasn't bad enough to have four people in the room who tried to stop him from leaving, a troubled doctor entered the room as well.

"Sir, you can't leave this room!" The doctor told him, looking over his glasses.

"But I really have to be there. I feel perfectly fine." He lied and tried to pass them again. He just needed to get out of there and to _her._

Although Serena knew that Chuck loved Blair and that he wanted to be there for the funeral, she also knew how risky it could be for him. She didn't want to see another friend of hers in such a situation or worse. She moved towards the door and blocked it, so it was impossible for him to leave the room.

"Chuck! You need to recover first! You can't just walk out of here as if nothing happened!" Serena yelled at him, still in front of the door. She couldn't believe that he was acting like that. He wasn't just making it harder for himself, but also for everyone else around him. It hurt her to see him so broken and devastated. How could he be so dumb to walk out of the hospital after having such a bad accident?

"Serena, move!" He remained calm, not looking at her, just making a hand movement to the side.

"No! You're injured! You're going nowhere!" Serena said dead serious, crossing her arms in front of her chest. She felt like she needed to look out for him, to make sure that nothing will happen to him. That's what Blair would want, she told herself.

"Serena if you don't move away right now, I will make your life a living hell!" He yelled back at her with as much volume as his voice allowed him to use. The other three people in the room were not sure how to handle this situation.

Serena let out a scoffing laugh. "Don't you think that my life is already a living hell? My best friend just died Chuck!" She cried back, compressing her lips to calm down. "There is nothing you could do to make it worse. So now just please sit back on that hospital bed." She said, declining her voice and talking to him peacefully, pointing towards the direction that she wanted him to head. She rather wanted him to be mad at her than him to go to the funeral and worsen his shape.

Chuck sighed loudly, running a hand over his face.

"Listen Serena." Chuck tried it with the soft way. "I would never forgive myself, if I don't make it to her funeral. That's the least I could do. I want to see her for the last time, why can't you understand that? You of all people should understand that. You know, I still can't believe she's gone and I want to see that she's really gone, because if not I'm sure I would think that she's still among us." He told her, honestly and fully resolved, although his hands were slightly shaking. "I loved her, Serena and I still do." His eyes were glistening with tears and he quickly closed them and rubbed them with his fingers.

"Chuck…" She said lowly, swallowing hard. She knew that it wouldn't be easy for him to just accept the fact that Blair wasn't there anymore and that she never will be again.

"Please Serena, I have nothing to lose." He said and just like that her gaze softened and he could gently remove her from the door to walk out. Not even Lily knew what to say against it.

Without another word the others followed him.

"But I can't just let him leave the hospital like that." The doctor said puzzled, but it was like nobody heard him. Everyone was walking out of the hospital, heading to the funeral.

When they arrived at the cemetery, they could see how her closest family was still there. They hadn't buried her yet, just like Serena had told him.

The heads from the funeral guests all turned to look at the newly arrived guests. Chuck felt every gaze on him. He hadn't even bothered to make himself a little more presentable after leaving the hospital. He must have looked like shit with all his bruises.

All went directly to a place to sit only Chuck halted and observed her casket. When they saw that Chuck didn't seem to follow them, Nate stopped and walked back to him.

He grabbed Chuck's arm carefully and tried to guide him to the chairs.

"Come Chuck." He said and pulled at his arm lightly; Chuck obeyed wordlessly and followed his best friend. Then he locked eyes with Eleanor and was instantly afraid that she would immediately tell him that he should leave, but she didn't seem to care this time around and neither did Harold.

The ceremony was going on and on, people around him crying their souls out. He looked at the casket. She was in there, dead. He thought about what would have happened if he had said those words, she desperately wanted him to say. Maybe then this whole disaster wouldn't have happened. His cheeks were moist, that's when he realized that he's been silently and unwittingly crying the whole time as well.

The last words were spoken and Chuck knew that now was the moment that the casket would go down into the ground. His whole body filled with fear and sorrow. He didn't want to let her go like that. They still had so many things to do together. He closed his eyes, trying to control the tears, which were rolling out without permission.

_"Chuck Bass confessing his love." She said, trying to take the words in. "Too bad I will never really experience this." She told him, her smile diminishing._

_"If I'm going back, then you sure as hell will come with me."_

His eyes snapped open and his forehead wrinkled with questions. He didn't know what that was. Suddenly he jumped up from his chair.

"Stop." He screamed into the crowd, before they had the chance to let the casket down. Everyone turned to look at him. He wasn't quite sure why he did it, but there was something stirring inside him and screaming that he needed to see her one more time. It felt the same way like in the hospital the moment he woke up.

Nate looked at him questioningly.

"I have to see her." He told Nate severely and limped straight to the casket.

An alarmed Eleanor sat up from her chair and walked towards him.

"Chuck, we are really glad that you are feeling fine again, but please go back to your seat." Eleanor told him nicely, she was like exchanged. Nothing was left from that woman who had spat at him and told him to leave.

But he didn't listen and still walked towards the casket until he was standing in front of it. He bent down and tried to open it, but failed multiple times. His hands were just too clumsy.

"Open it!" He screamed, looking everywhere for help. Nobody budged, everyone surprised by his sudden outburst. Some even outraged that he had the indecency to behave like that on a funeral, thinking that he was losing his mind.

"Open this damn casket!" He screamed again, his voice faltering from the new tears that he felt, which were threatening to spill out again.

"Why?" Harold asked him concerned and walked towards him as well.

Chuck turned to look at him and it was then when Chuck saw how devastated Harold looked. He hadn't paid attention to him before, but seeing this man, who normally was full of love and happiness in this state made Chuck even more eager to open the casket. He gritted his teeth; he had a feeling that there would be a change if he opened it. He turned to look at Harold and braced himself by taking a long deep breath.

"I want to see her. I just want to convince myself that she's really dead and if so, I wanted to say goodbye." Chuck answered politely and regained back his posture, still struggling with his tears though.

"Well, if you want to convince yourself, why should we stop you?" Harold said sadly, maybe even feeling pity for the boy, who had almost killed himself, because he was in love with his dead daughter.

Harold walked to the casket and unclosed it with one simple movement.

Chuck let himself slump next to her, his knees hitting the pasture with force. He clenched his teeth, ignoring the pain that rushed through his already injured legs.

There she was, lying. She looked paler than ever, but in his eyes she still looked like a sleeping beauty. He looked at her peaceful face and started to caress it tenderly. He heard how Serena started to sob. He looked at her and saw that she had buried her face into Lily's shoulder, not wanting to see her best friend like that. Chuck looked back to Blair and continued to stroke her cheek.

"Hey beautiful." He said with a weak smile on his face, spacing out, forgetting that there were other people there, who were hearing every word he said and seeing everything he did. In his mind it was just her and him.

"I know you can hear me." Chuck spoke with her. This was the last chance, he thought, the last chance to see that all of this was real. No response came from her. She was still lying there numb with her eyes closed.

"Blair, please!" He started to beg; the tears running down his face. He wanted to see her wide brown eyes looking at him like they used to, to see her mischievous smile, when something went the way she planned, to see her curls flowing around when she walked away and to see her nose wrinkle in disgust, when he said something inappropriate. But it seemed like those memories would always belong in the past.

"Please!" He said again, while stroking her chin. Nothing. He saw her again, but it didn't change anything, like he had hoped, like his feeling had told him. For once, his feelings had betrayed him. Reality came crushing back; she was dead, gone forever.

"That's enough." Chuck heard Eleanor saying. When he looked up to her, he could see that she couldn't bear to see her daughter like that for any longer, yet Chuck still didn't stop.

"Blair, come on. I know you're not dead." He said through clenched teeth, being more specific this time. He wanted her to be alive. God! He wanted her back! He felt grips on the left and the right arm. Harold and Nate tried to pull him away, backwards. But he didn't persist; he clutched the casket with both hands.

"No. Please." He yelled and started to sob like crazy, "I love her." His eyes still focused on her.

"Chuck, you have to let her go." Nate told him with a wobbly voice, trying to keep himself in check.

"I can't." Chuck shook his head violently without a break, while Nate dragged him away from the casket. "She needs to be alive." He cried through tears. "Why did she leave? Why did she do this? Why?" Chuck screamed, his whole body shaking. He was having a breakdown.

Harold closed the casket again; the whole situation brought him to the verge of tears as well. He turned around to Chuck and tried to put him back on his feet, together with Nate.

Chuck's cries didn't stop and his eyes never left the casket, but then all of a sudden a muffled sound escaped from the casket and Chuck's sobs abruptly halted.

He turned around to look at Nate with his tears-wrenched face. "Did you hear that?" He asked him, lowly.

Nate looked at him a bit confused and shook his head.

"There was something." Chuck said with a stable voice, this time a little louder, again, approaching the casket.

"Chuck, you're hallucinating." Nate told him, trying to get a hold of him.

"I'm not." Chuck spat back.

"Chuck, please." Nate said, exhausted. It was getting harder and harder to try to knock some sense in his best friend. It just seemed that he wasn't ready to believe that it was over for good this time.

Both Harold and Nate looked at Chuck as if he was slowly getting insane, but Chuck just took that opportunity to open the casket again, this time without struggling.

In that split second silence overcame the cemetery like in the night when nobody was there and only the cold wind was heard quietly blowing around. Every gaze was fixated on the tiny brunette in the casket. No one really believing what their eyes showed them.

There she was. Her wide brown eyes were starring directly into his, as if she had been patiently waiting for him to find her there.

As fast as the silence came, it was gone again and gasping and whispering filled the air. Nate and Harold were standing just some feet away from Chuck and were starring at the girl, who was lying in the casket and moving. They couldn't believe what just happened.

Chuck immediately got down to her level. Although he had wished for this to happen he was still taken aback that his silent plea and prays were answered.

She was coughing now.

"Call the ambulance!"

"Oh my God!"

"That's impossible."

Chuck heard people mumbling and screaming.

"Blair!" He cupped her face and looked at her intensely, making sure that it was real. Tears were uncontrollably straining his cheeks, but she wasn't really there yet to really know what was happening.

But then Chuck was pushed away and everyone rushed to her, as if she was the most interesting thing in the world, but then again, she probably really was. Chuck didn't even have the chance to speak to her.

Moments later the ambulance arrived.

C&B&C&B&C&B&C&B&C&B

**A/N:** I hope I didn't disappoint. Please leave a review and tell me your thoughts. I'll try to update the next chapter as soon as possible.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Here's the final chapter, I tried to publish it as fast as possible. It was so fun writing this story and I thank everyone who've followed, favourited and, of course, reviewed this story. You all have been such a blessing to me, I appreciated every thought. I would be incredibly grateful if everyone who's reading this story would review this last chapter. It would mean the world to me.

Enjoy.

xoxoxo

The doctors were sprinting to their destination, picking up a weak brunette, laying her on a stretcher and walking with her to the ambulance with everyone right behind them.

Eleanor and Harold immediately climbed in the ambulance and Chuck didn't miss a beat to be by Blair's side, getting in the ambulance together with Serena, not even asking for permission. Eleanor and Harold were too occupied with their suddenly very alive daughter to actually care about something else.

During the whole ride Chuck held Blair's hand, never tearing his eyes away from her, while her father was holding her other hand and Eleanor as well as Serena starring at her, still not really believing the fact that Blair was alive. The doctors kept talking to her and put a respiratory mask to her mouth, because it seems like she had difficulties to breathe on her own. Blair's gaze didn't move. With half closed eyes she was looking back at Chuck, who was still holding her hand. Then for a brief moment when her eyes closed completely, Chucks grip on her hand tightened and his body filled with fear, while his heart omitted a beat. But then he registered the still consistent beeping of the machine and his body relaxed, knowing that everything was still okay. She was just too weak to keep her eyes open. He made circles on the back of her hand and was looking at her in a lovingly manner with tears clouding his view, leaving Harold and Eleanor astounded and even a tad touched by his tender gesture and look.

When they reached the hospital, Blair had fallen into unconsciousness and the doctors immediately carried her away. Lily, Nate and Eric had taken the limo and just arrived after them. Everyone followed the doctors into the hospital, but the minute Chuck entered the hospital, the doctor who had treated him, recognized him instantly, insisting to check if he was okay. Chuck didn't give a shit about what the doctor said, really, but Lily insisted as well and he had no other option than to do what they said. Unfortunately for Chuck, the doctor wanted him to stay at least one night at the hospital for further observations. They told him he shouldn't leave his bed, if it wasn't necessary. Chuck promptly commissioned Nate to tell him everything that was happening with Blair. Nate obeyed, of course.

After some hours Nate came back to Chuck telling him that Blair was awake and that she had just spoken with some doctors. She had told them that the last thing she could remember was that she had accidently taken too many sleeping pills and that she had dozen off after that. With that she also resolved that she didn't try to kill herself. She told them that she hadn't done it on purpose. When Nate told Chuck all of this, Chuck had this weird feeling that he already knew most of it.

"But seriously Chuck, how did you know she wasn't dead?" Nate asked him curiously with wide blue eyes.

Chuck gave this question a thought and couldn't explain it himself. He knew that there had been something that had told him to open that casket, but he couldn't really say what it was. He looked back to Nate and raised his shoulders just to let them slump again.

"I just felt that something wasn't right." He answered, not knowing how else to respond to this question.

Later when the entire buzz about the girl who had been dead and who was magically alive again subsided, Chuck got up from the bed and walked towards her room. He had known that Harold and Eleanor would want some time with her, so he had waited, but his patience retreated quickly. He knew that he actually wasn't allowed to leave his bed, but he thought if nobody found out, nobody would care.

When he reached her door he stopped. He was afraid to enter the room and started to pace back and forth in front of it. Something told him that she wouldn't be very glad to see him. He heard voices coming out from her room and his curiosity overtook him. The door was a crack open and he made some steps forward to hear who was speaking.

"Oh my little girl." Eleanor said with a croaky voice. "I thought I lost you forever."

"Nothing happened, mother." He heard another weak voice replying and peeped in to see them.

Eleanor and Blair were hugging each other, while Eleanor's sobbing and crying was the only thing that was heard.

"We were going to bury you." Eleanor said into Blair's shoulder, while Blair was hugging her tightly. "The doctors say it is a miracle. They say you were probably just in a state of apparent death, but they don't know why they didn't notice it. If Charles wouldn't have been there…" She trailed off, her sobs where stopping her from speaking further. "I don't know what would have happened." She finished, when she found her voice again.

"Nothing happened, mother." Blair repeated softly. "I'm okay."

Eleanor placidly removed herself from Blair's embrace after a while. "I am sorry." Eleanor sniffled, straightening herself and clearing her throat. She laughed embarrassed for showing so much vulnerability and emotions. She had never been one to talk about feelings; most people didn't even know she had some.

Blair took her mother's hand and smiled at her. "Mom, it's okay." She repeated. Eleanor smiled back, taking a handkerchief to clean her tears drenched face with her other hand.

"Blair, I know that I sometimes fail to show you that, but I really love you. I hope you know that." Eleanor told her. "I love you, just the way you are."

A little smile appeared on Blair's lips. Her mother had never told her things like that.

"I know and I love you, too." Blair answered with visible tears in her eyes. Again, both women felt the need to hug each other.

"Okay," Eleanor laughed warmly. "I think you need some rest." She told Blair and stood up from the chair.

Chuck backed away from the door when he heard Eleanor's steps walking in his direction. He immediately turned around to leave, but the door opened and Eleanor walked out. He knew that he couldn't just walk away and he was sure that she had seen him already, so he turned around to face her.

She was standing there and looking at him. To his astonishment her facial expression showed nothing else than softness and relief.

"You can see her if you want to." She told him with something that looked like a thankful smile. With a nod Chuck thanked her and went for the doorknob.

Taking a deep breath he entered the room to find the girl that had been the center of his life for quite a time now, sitting on a hospital bed. She still looked breakable and small in that large bed, but healthier nonetheless.

"Hi." He said unsure to the tiny brunette, whose gaze was fixated out of the window. He wanted to walk to her and take her in his arm to be sure that she really was here, that's the only thing he wanted to do. But he compressed his lips, trying to keep himself under control. He didn't want to scare her.

She turned to look at him for a brief second, but her eyes never met his.

"Hi." She said back, no smile, no emotion, she gave nothing away. Her head turned back to look out of the window.

"How are you feeling?" He asked her.

"I was apparently dead the last few days, so I have no idea how I should be feeling." She answered spitefully, laughing with no humor and without looking at him.

It seemed like he was right and she wasn't really glad to see him.

"And how are you doing? I heard you had an accident." She asked with a monotonous tone, but her gaze remained on the same spot.

"I'm fine." He answered her.

"So you're back from Europe?" She asked lowly, it was more of a statement though.

He nodded first, but she wasn't looking at him. "Yes." He finally let out.

Silence overcame them, while she did everything but look at him and he did everything to find something to say.

She sighed.

"Look," She started and looked at him, her eyes finally meeting his. Her hard glance instantly softened when she saw his face. He knew how he looked. Hair disheveled, eyes puffy red, scratches here and there, but he was just glad to hear her speak. As fast as her soft look came it was gone and replaced with a more rigorous look. "I know that it's somehow your merit that I am still here and I probably should thank you -" She continued, but he cut her off.

"You don't have to." He immediately told her.

"Well, good, because I was not going to." She said without breaking his gaze.

The silence was back again.

He ran his hand through his hair a bit at a loss for suitable words, not knowing how to keep the conversation alive.

"I'm sorry." He sighed and searched her eyes again.

"For what exactly?" She asked him, raising an eyebrow.

"For everything I did to you, for every time I hurt you, I am truly sorry, you definitely deserved better treatment. I know I was a jerk." He told her sincerely, he had missed her so much these last days and he understood now that she meant more to him than anything else.

"It's nice to see you perceived your mistakes." It didn't seem to affect her one bit, she seemed totally indifferent towards what he said, showing him nothing else than coldness.

The silence didn't seem to go away. It felt like he was standing hours there without saying a word, when she spoke again. She looked at him.

"Listen Chuck, I told you how I felt about you, twice, and you didn't seem to care. I know that I made a mistake." Her eyes averted from him and she looked down to her hands. He knew that she was talking about Jack, but he had already dealt with all of this when he was in Europe, when he had prepared himself to tell her his true feelings for her. He had already forgiven her for that, because he knew that he had made mistakes, too - plenty to be honest. He opened his mouth to tell her that she didn't need to explain herself, but she was faster. "But I can't change it anymore, like you can't take back your mistakes." She looked at him pointedly, as if she could read his thoughts. "I mean it wasn't fun to get rejected by you so many times and reading that you took off to Europe didn't help either. But I shouldn't have pushed you to say something that you didn't feel or that you didn't want to say. I know better now and I'm sorry, too. I just want to move on from all of this and you should too." She said, her look shifting away, once again.

His eyes widened. She was giving up on him, _on them._ Did she truly believe that he didn't love her? She wanted to move on? He knew that he had caused her so much pain, but he couldn't just move on like that, he cursed under his breath wishing that he had all the presents here that he had bought for her in Europe.

"Blair." He said and approached her, but she still didn't look at him. He sat down on her bed and she didn't object, which he thought was definitely a good sign. So he grabbed her chin softly and turned her face around so their eyes met.

He was looking at her, at the woman he had loved for quite a time now. The moment she had kissed him, telling him with that soft kiss that she was sure, had changed him forever. The warm feeling that had built up in his stomach had been nothing he had ever experienced before. He had found out later that this feeling was called love, recalling that some butterflies had occupied his midsection and still ruled it when he was near her. He looked into her eyes, which were looking back at him expectantly, urging him to speak, and he realized the concealed and true fear that had stopped him from telling her his true feelings. He had been so afraid that he would disappoint those warm brown doe-eyes as a boyfriend and that she would regret to have ever fallen in love with him in the first place, because he didn't know how to be a boyfriend. So he had decided to push her away, not realizing that he had disappointed and hurt her even more with that. But seeing the brunette, who still looked stunning after everything she had gone through, he knew that he would do anything for her and would move heaven and earth to make sure that no one would ever hurt her again.

He took a long deep breath and his lips curved into a tiny smile.

"I love you." He told her with his whole heart, eyes glistening with tears. After all that had happened the last days, those three little words were the only thing that he was a hundred and more percent sure of. "And I'm so sorry I needed so much time to find the courage to tell you this, I know I was a coward." He admitted, shaking his head, laughing sadly. "I thought I'll never get the chance to tell you this." His voice was quivering slightly while saying those words.

Her eyes were star and her throat was moving, swallowing a big lump to speak, while he was laying his heart on her feet.

"I love you." He said again, smiling at her although one tear escaped his eye. He read from her expression that she definitely wasn't prepared for this. She tugged at her bottom lip with her teeth and looked at him confused. Her brows furrowed and she touched her head.

"Hey, what's wrong? You're okay?" He asked concerned and alarmed, afraid that he had done something wrong and thinking if he should probably call someone. His hand reached out to push the button for a nurse to come, when her small hand grabbed his arm, stopping him. He looked back at her.

"Why does this feel so familiar?" She asked, eyes searching for an answer that he couldn't give her.

His eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "What do you mean?" He asked her, holding the hand which had stopped him from pushing the button.

"Those words….they just feel like something you've already told me and I know that's impossible." She looked at him, a bit unsure about her own words. Then she shook her head, exhaling noisily. "I'm sorry. I don't know what's going on with me." Her gaze wandered back to him, fully taking his words in. "You know, I really want to believe you, but –" She started sadly, but he cut her off.

"You can believe me. I really mean it, Blair. I love you. I really do." He immediately told her, afraid that she might push him away this time.

"I really do." He repeated, looking at her and waiting for her final answer.

"So you really mean them?" She asked, although he made it clear that he did.

A smile blossomed on his lips.

"Come here." He said and took her in his arms, kissing her lips softly. "I've never meant anything more than those words." He told her, embracing her tightly, kissing the side of her face.

"You're killing me, Bass." She said laughing weakly. Chuck broke off the embrace instantly and this time both frowned, looking at each other with a weird feeling in their guts. It felt like a déjà vu.

"What was that?" Chuck asked Blair, uncertainly.

"I have no idea, but this felt oddly familiar, too." She told him, her expression mirroring his.

They both didn't know what it was, but it felt like something they both have shared a lifetime ago, so they just settled with that explanation.

"I love you." He repeated and he didn't want to stop to say those words.

And she smiled. "You already know that I love you, too." She told him and he smiled back.

Even the higher powers knew that those two were meant to be. It was either both of them or none of them.

No life without death.

No Chuck without Blair.

The End

xoxoxoxo

A/N: That was it. Okay, I really, like seriously hope that it was a good ending and not a letdown, because it took me forever to write :/… Please review this last time


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